Hi everyone just checking in since it has been awhile since my last entry. I am going to add some pics of random stuff here also ;)
I got sick again last week after my daughter spent the weekend here and came sick. My mom & sister were supposed to be leaving for LA again yesterday and my sister ended up having to go without her. My mom called on Saturday and was SO sick! I picked her up and took her to the doctor's. She has this Influenza crud going around. She caught it in time that she was able to get Tamiflu so hopefully she will get to feeling better soon. She considered going tomorrow but decided against that yesterday because she is still feeling pretty rough. She also had Gout and she seemed to be convinced it was something Diabetic related, or MS related and thought there was nothing she could do to treat it. I convinced her otherwise and she went and found out it was treatable.
I am worried about her. She is having a rough time right now and I don't really know what to do for her. She has been having panic/anxiety attacks and she got some meds for it. I have never had one but know that my brother has many times so I do know that they are very real. Yet I do not understand them since I have never experienced one before. I am also really worried about her drinking while taking the meds for them.
This week marks my grandma's passing of one year. I think she is really having a hard time with that also. She also has multiple masses that have been looked at and tested at Mayo Clinic and also here in the cities. There is one near her heart, and near her Kidney's that have not changed (so that is a good thing) but haven't disappeared either. Mayo recommended about a year and half ago to do surgery to remove them. But she was told there is a small chance that if they do surgery and they are indeed cancerous that she could be taking the risk of spreading the cancer. She has chose to do nothing. She says " If it's not causing me problems and I have no pain, why mess with it?".
My sister and I have worried about her and wondered more then once if she knows something we don't know. She has accepted the fact that she has MS, but again with that was recommended to her to go on daily shots almost 2 years ago and she hasn't done so. She did drastically change her eating habits, stopped drinking (non alcoholic drinks like coffee) and eating everything unhealthy for her. She lost a bunch of weight yet the downside is she is an alcoholic and even with all of those life changes she made and stuck to, she continues to drink some days more than others. Sometimes she goes without for a couple days and other times she binges for days at a time. Either way the combination of everything she has going on mixed with drinking. I just think none of them go hand in hand.
My mom has tryed the expensive treatment programs, like Hazelton but ended up relapsing every time. She is in her 50's and none of us (meaning my siblings & I) believe she will ever change. We can love her the way she is or walk away from it. I have done both over the years. I have made boundries with her that seem to have fallen into place now as far as her calling when she is drunk. My mom has two sides to her. The sober one is the most loving, giving, compassionate, beautiful, quiet soul you could ever meet. Then the drunk side of her is totally opposite. My mom is not good at speaking her mind. My mom is perfectly comfortable letting everyone else (mostly me) take care of things in her life that may rock the boat. But when she drinks she can be nasty. Sadly, my brother, sister and I have learned over the years to respond to her in ways that will not make a situation worse while she is drunk. We have all found where we fit and what we need to do to deal with the drinking.
Yet on the same note, we all are so very close. We have all been through SO much hurt together in our lifetimes that no matter how far away one of us gets we always end up back together. We do not have your typical "normal" family. We are a group of 4 people that talk to each other about everything, we have dinners together where we probably tell inappropriate stories at the table and end our dinners with a smoke and laughter. Disfunctional? Oh yes with a capital D, but I have said more times than one here in this journal. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I would take my family anyday over families that have lies, and deciet as a part of the daily life they live. We have never tried to act like we were perfect and we have an understanding for humans and the errors we all make. We will not shut our door on someone we care about simply because they screwed up and made a mistake. I would guess that alot of that has to do with the fact that we have had such a hard life and lived through so many hurtful things and addictions that we feel like who are we to judge? What makes us so much better? The answer is nothing. It really is that simple!
So the bottom line is my mother is who she is. She will probably never change. We will not try to change her. All we can do is love her for who she is. It just is hard sometimes knowing that there is things she could do (like stop drinking) that would help her in the big medical picture of things. But if she is going through some things that she has no power over in the end and this is how she chooses to deal with these things well then so be it. We can either fight her til the end, or we can love her til the end. I chose the second choice. Now that I am an adult and boundries have been laid and respected, her drinking doesn't hurt me or affect me the way it used to. Because I choose not to let it.
Well, now that I got that off my chest on to lighter things lol!
My daughter's made me a homecooked meal last week that was so yummy! I took pictures of it ;) They set up a table with a candle and menu and table cloth for me and served me a 4 course meal. The first pic is the table, then the menu
I realized I didn't get a picture of my desert but it was Angel food cake and they made a yummy frosting out of cool whip and strawberries. They always cease to amaze me and what loving awesome girls they are!! They wanted me to have a "quiet, relaxing" dinner but I invited them to eat with me lol.
The next pictures are pictures taken with my camera of my daughter's scrapbook she has. But some of these pictures of her are so cute! They are from around 2 years old to recent.....
This picture I love! Not this exact picture, but one of just her dancing at our Pow Wow has been selected by the Native American Youth Alliance to be put on the huge billboard down outside the Target Center in Minneapolis during the elections. I am so proud of her ;) I will go to the ceremony when the unveil it and get lots of pictures.
Hosted on Fotki
Hosted on Fotki
The next two are one of my daughter in her dads wedding this last Thurs. This is his 3rd wedding (Let's HOPE third times a charm!!! LOL) and the one after that is Josh and Ray at their Gmom's house (grandma)
Hosted on Fotki
Hosted on Fotki
I went and saw my doctor about my kidney problems I have been having. They are sending me for testing. When I walked out of there I thought to myself "Ok this may not be as bad as I thought" and came home and checked for the testing that was priority to be done to find out it was as bad as I thought it could be. They are testing me for Polycystic Kidney Disease. Don't ask me why but because the word cyst was in there I thought it was nothing huge. I have had symptoms like a terrible bladder infection or UTI for almost 5 months now. They are not getting better, they are worse if anything. I will try not to worry to much for now and wait until I go get the testing done. Just send an extra prayer my way please ;)
Hugs everyone!! I hope your having a good week so far! Robyn