Saturday, January 19, 2008

Brrrr it is freaking cold outside!

Good afternoon everyone. Did you know it is -22 degrees in MN right now? It really is -5 but with the wind chill it is -22. OMG Is it cold! Last night my sister, Rayanna, and I met my Aunt and daughter Lexi up at our community center on our reservation and played community bingo and had a blast! I won two stainless steel garbage cans, a really cool vanity mirror and my sister and I bingoed at the same time and each got a kite so we gave them both to my daughters. My sister also bingoed and won a $50.00 Home Depot card and a yard game and Rayanna won a flip camcorder thingie. It was the 3rd biggest prize of the night she was SO excited ;) She also won a $50.00 gift card to the local car wash but we live an hour away so she gave it to my aunt.

My daughter Lexi came home with us and will be here until Monday now ;) When bingo let out my sister went outside to pull the truck up to the door to load our goodies and her hands were bright red and she was shaking. It was so cold that when all of us walked outside within about 2 minutes all of our jackets were crunchy. I took my sisters hands and put them into mine and helped warm them up.

Now today we are all going to the Monster Truck show at the dome downtown at 7 tonight. Like I said it is 22 below right now at 2 in the afternoon so we are going to be COLDDDDDD parking downtown and walking into the dome. We are all bundling up and dreading the 10-15 minute walk from where we park. But once were inside it will be a blast! There is 7 of us going and we go every year. I love watching that show ;) The only good thing is we bought the tickets online and I printed the tickets out so we will not have to stand in the will call line. I wonder with the cold how many people will actually show up tonight. But being from Minnesota and living here my whole life we are used to this more than others. Some people would shut everything down til it warmed up but we get this every year at some point in winter. So we start are cars a bit earlier and bundle up and trudge through lol!




I am of course at peace in my heart because my daughter is here with us ;) I love that little girl so much! If only time could be erased and things could have been done differently. I know it can't ;) I am ok that it can't but it sure sounds like a nice dream!

I said a couple days ago I had a long entry coming and I really felt I wanted to write some stuff about my life but I lost the will. I planned to write some pretty personal stuff to talk about what has made me the woman I am today. I will get to it at some point but right now is not the time.

I do not speak much of my hubby besides day to day life. I have told everyone he is bi-polar and untreated. I have said that we have separated because of it two different times.  But I feel like telling you more than the minimal I have today. We definitely have our ups and downs. But like I said in a previous entry I know who I am, and I know that I have chose to deal with it and try to understand the illness and work with it because he truly is an amazing man in day to day life. His illness gets the best of him sometimes and that is where the rough spots come in.

But on a day to day basis this is a man who still after 10 and half years brushes my hair all the time, rubs and scratches my back every day, rubs my feet, brings me flowers just because, calls me baby. sweetie. ect, leaves love letters on my computer, lets me sleep late and does morning stuff so I can get enough sleep, does the laundry, cooks, cleans, changes diapers, picks the kids up when needed, tells me all the time that I am amazing, lays in bed with me and rubs my head, he will even color my hair if I do it at home, he fully supports me being me and being a woman, meaning encourages me to get my nails done, go to the spa, get my hair done, go shopping just to get myself something nice, he will even baby sit nieces and nephews of mine when needed lol. So what I am trying to say is he really is amazing man. There is obviously enough good to make up for the bad!

When our son was born we were told by the hospital social worker that he was either going to make us or break us. We promised each other the second would not happen. Has it been hard? Oh yes it has but we somehow always seem to find our way back to each other. I made a tag the other day about being comfortable in your own skin, and do you know that is is an AMAZING feeling to get that point with yourself? Once you do you are truly not afraid anymore. I am honestly not afraid of being a single mother of 3, but would obviously rather not be. Strange to think though that 10 years ago I was PETRIFIED of being a single mother to two girls. Had of known then what I know now life would have been so differently.

I have lived a lifetime of different types of abuse. Starting with my own father, then others to follow. My father committed suicide the day my mom had the courage to take him to court to terminate his parental rights. My father hurts each of us in so many different ways that it definitely has affected me all through out my adult years. I remember being relieved when I was told he had passed away, and then I remember feeling terribly guilty for feeling that way about my own dad!! I also remember my mom, my brother and I not shedding a tear at the funeral because I remember vividly the first thought that went through my head the day I was told he had died which was..."Thank god it's finally over!". I am pretty sure I was one of many who felt that way that day. I was conceived by my father breaking into my moms place and raping her. I had a hard time dealing with that for many years.

Now that I am a grown woman and I look back I sometimes still get SO ANGRY with my father for taking his life. To me that was the easy way out so he didn't have to face what he had done to so many people! He abused not only the three of us but also his sister and last I heard about 5 years ago she was an alcoholic and going to a therapist a couple times a week and still was haunted by what he had done to her. I could have lived my life that way but I chose not to! I faced all of my abuse head on when I was younger and it was one of the hardest things I ever did! It was going to make me or break me and guess what? It made me ;) And I am proud of who I am, I am proud of the person I am able to offer as a friend to people, and as a lover, and as a mother. I finally understand what is truly meant by "What don't kill you makes you stronger".


I didn't plan to go into such detail in this entry but somehow did any ways. This is just the beginning of alot of things I want to talk about but I am not going to finish it right now. I need to get in the shower so my hair will be almost dry at 6 lol! It takes about 7 hours for my hair to completely air dry. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Love you and hugs, Robyn



nelishianatl said...

I understand you ALOT better now.  NO one who has lived through what you have comes out unscathed completely, but your better and stronger than anyone I have ever heard of that went through all of that.  Because you chose to face it head on, not wallow in it all.  I don't think you'd told me about your father's suicide.  

I cannot bear the cold like you and your sister did.  I am afraid I'd just be frozen to the spot and die. lol  It's only a little cold here and I am miserable.  IT's just 32 right now.  We got a powdering of snow this morning and it's alread melted.  Please send me some pictures of you and the kids and your sister and Aunt and your Mom too.  You all are all so pretty!

Miss you my friend,


swmpgrly said...

I also felt the guilt of feeling relief when my father died.
he was so verbally abusive to me that I couldnt take anymore.
He was an alcoholic.
He died because he picked up a drink after the doctors warnings.
He had a slight heart attack and was told no more drinking, he did good for about 2 months and we started to respect each other, then it all started again.
I cried at his funneral in guilt and in fear of how my mother was going to handle being alone.
She did great and I have finaly forgiven him. took me yrs.    take care.

queeniemart said...

i am glad you updated and talked about DH and your did not deserve that abuse and the horrors you had to live thru. Being relieved that your dad was gone is a normal feeling....and i am so glad you are comfortable in your own skin..there are many who never find themselves and they die, still looking. Be safe in that cold!!!
LOVE, lisa

nay0114 said...

BRRR... it is cold there and I thought my 14 degrees going down to 9 was cold. My furnance has been broke all week long, but today I HAVE HEAT.
Robyn, thanks for sharing such personal things with us. You're an awesome person regardless of what has happened. It has made you stronger.
Take care and Hugs, Chrissie
ps you guys were winning some good stuff at bingo.

brendaspears97 said...


I truly believe and know this 4 much better to face the hard & painful moments. If you don't deal with them, they will come out one way or the other. And I think it takes heart & courage to do this. And you defintely have the heart. From this entry alone, I can tell that your amazing woman. Thank you for sharing.