Saturday, December 1, 2007

A whole lot on my mind at a early hour!

Hiya everyone. I should be sleeping. This is my first night home in 10 days after watching my sisters son and my moms dogs at my moms house and I cannot sleep. I have decided that this journal is maybe not what I wanted it to be.

There truly is some sort of satisfaction signing on and seeing that many people have commented in your journal and I do not think I write regular enough to have more than a few regular readers.

I choose by choice not to use this page to air my dirty laundry so to speak, to speak what truly goes through my head on a daily basis. So this early AM I am going to do exactly that because I have nothing to lose. My few regular readers can either keep reading or stop because of some things that I have not lied about, but just chose not to talk about here because it is very painful for me!

My children are my LIFE! I live and breathe my children. The part I have left out that is my biggest regret in life is my other daughter who is turning 10 on the 3rd of this month. Let's start 10 years ago. I had a under year old daughter Rayanna, was on the Depo shot and had no plans to have another baby. Yet I was one of the little percentage who got pregnant on a form of birth control with my other daughter Alexis. I was SCARED to death, doubted every ability as a mother in myself to raise one, let alone two a year apart. I asked my daughter's father how much I could count on him to be told " I will maybe take her once a month". I had recently met the man I have spent the last decade with and had to completely take him out of the picture when it came to my choices of my unborn childs( at that time) life.

I have been abused to extremes in my life that most people could not begin to understand and had to make a choice that now 10 years later I have lived to regret everyday of my life! I carried my daughter to 32 weeks and delivered her and gave her up for adoption to my biological aunt (who I also did not grow up knowing, but met her 5 years before delivering my daughter).  My mother was taken from our reservation by the goverment and placed with a white family. ( I am sorry if that sounds crass). We were raised white and felt we never fit in! Meaning my mom, brother and I.

IF I HAD KNOWN 10 years ago what type of mother, woman, lover, wife, ect I would have turned into I would have never self doubted myself. But I did and I allowed my daughter to be raised by my aunt and her family. I knew almost immediately that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by signing my parental rights over and have lived to regret it for the last decade. It is by far my biggest regret in life. Well last July my aunt pretty much forced a meeting for my daughter Lexi and Ray and I at the Pow Wow. I ran from it for 9 years, I ran from it out of selfishness I guess you could call it. I wanted her home with us, I wanted to give her all of me and all of my heart, the thing is when I gave her up for adoption I did it for unselfish reasons and she has been WELL taken care of, loved beyond belief, and taught are Native American culture which I never was. I have learned on my own.

So the ironic part is I let my aunt raise her as her own because 10 years ago I truly believed that her and her husband could give her something I couldn't (which was bullshit I now know) and gave her up for adoption for completely unselfish reasons, yet it was a open adoption and I ran and hid from my regrets for 9 years for what I have now learned selfish reasons. Because I was SCARED TO DEATH of getting to close to her and not being able to have her with me 24/7.

Well after meeting her I have realized that no matter what I do she is mine, she desires to have her biological mom in her life, she is me, she has so many of the same likes as I do, her and Rayanna are almost identical in so many ways. She was the missing piece in my life. She was the last piece of the puzzle that I was missing if that makes any sense.

She is now a part of my life and I have missed FAR to much of her life already and spend time with her alot and am trying to find that middle ground of knowing she has a family that she loves and that loves her equallly as much back and still trying to let her see that I have regretted from day one giving her up for adoption and not telling her to much because she is only 9. I have pretty muchly left it at......... "I love you, I always have, I have made mistakes, and I will always be here for you, and I will explain one day when your old enough anything you want to know"

I believe that my aunt full heartedly believes that I have always regretted what I did and that is why she forced the meeting. She knew Alexis wanted to know her mother and sister and brother. My aunt loves her with so much unconditional love that she was willing to take the chance of maybe even possibly losing her to me to allow Alexis the love she was able to have from myself, and my kids, and evenBill who had NOTHING to do with my choice 10 years ago.  My aunt is an amazing woman who because of the adoption of my mother I did not grow up knowing. She is an amazing woman with a heart of gold. She has loved my daughter and helped her become the amazing little girl she is with all of the love she is capable of giving, yet even knowing that I MISS my daughter! She is part of me, she is part of my other kids, she belongs here.

I have been struggling where I can find a middle ground to just be whatever she wants me to be. I have gotten the impression she wants me to be her mommy. She calls me mom which I have never forced, she comes to me and hugs me ( and melts my heart), she tells me she loves me, I tell her I love her because I do more than anything in this world.

So honestly the bottom line is I am struggling, I have lifes hardships thrown at me FAR more than your typical person and this is my biggest struggle by far out of all of the abuse and garbage I have dealt with in my whole life. I entered this world as a baby by conception of rape and have lived my whole life dealing with more abuse. I have been abused just about every way possible. I have learned to be a survivor, I have learned from my mistakes, I have promised myself I would NEVER let my kids hurt the way I did as a child, I have promised myself I would give my life to protect my children if I could. Yet I doubted myself as a mother and woman so much 10 years ago that I allowed myself to let a part of me go.

Am I looking for answers from any AOL readers? Nope, I am not. I am just speaking my mind. I am honestly thinking of closing this journal and only keeping my tag journal open because this one has not seemed to go anywhere. I have watched SO much drama with other amazing women with real life problems that is scares me to put all of me out there.

I will end this for now. I just needed to speak my mind. As far as AOL journals go I have honestly met some AMAZING women! I have met women that I only wish I could have the honor of being day to day up close and personal friends with (Ne, Lisa Jo, Marina, cough cough cough! lol).

Ne is amazing!!!! I will meet that woman someday. I feel spiritually connected to her. I wish I could have had a mother figure like her in my life growning up! How lucky I would have been!

Lisa Jo same for her. My god is she a HUGE hearted. loving woman I would love to be best friends with!!! And Marina MAN SHE IS AMAZING! I do truly love the qualities in you three!

I am going to sleep again now for a few hours. I am taking my daughter shopping around 1 for 2 birthday presents we need to get, and some fun shopping. I truly hope this entry didn't scare away the few readers I have.  I am just being real because I have nothing to lose here. If it goes really bad I will close this because it has not been what I wanted it to be anyways. If I get some positive comments I may start writing more of all of me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Love you and hugs, Robyn

P.S this is not spell checked so sorry for typos!

6 comments:

swmpgrly said...

Robyn I think you are going to find that sharing this in your journal will be a great relief, just to get it out in the open like that. At least it would for me. I totally understand where you were at and you did make a decission that your heart said was right at the time. I think you are a very strong and amazing woman. They say what dont kill us makes us stronger so you have had alot of time developing that...lol
We are all make judgement calls and I too have one that kills me to this day.
Ill maybe do an entry sometime on mine.
I hope you keep your journal open, Id hate to see ya go but you do whats right for you.
I think you and your daughter and your aunt will have a wonderful understanding and loving relationship.
Godbless

queeniemart said...

YOU are an amazing person too my friend and dont you dare close your journal. I am so glad you told me about this....WHAT A GIFT....you did what you thought you had to do by giving her up to your aunt and thank the Lord your aunt is loving and so open.....she did the right thing by having you meet your daughter...you did nothing wrong....you did the most unselfish thing EVER by wanting her to have a good life that right then you felt you could not give her...but she is BACK....you are given a 2nd chance to hold her, guide her, see and love and kiss her and i KNOW this makes your soul happy. I am so happy for you both....i wish i could take away your pain and the past but i cant but i can listen.
LOVE, lj

nelishianatl said...

Robyn;

I just received your letter.  I will write you back privately.

I am celebrating your strength in the telling.  I celebrate you.  

This takes a warrior woman's heart.  Don't stop writing.  There are readers who do not comment that were lifted up, inspired, and relieved with their decisions.  Now they know that they were not the only ones.  You are a natural born leader and you do it without even realizing it.  

Looking forward to your answers from my private letter,

Love and hugs,
Nelishia
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/PrayingandBelieving/
http://journals.aol.com/nelishianatl/Crocheted-creations/

nay0114 said...

Robyn,
I don't feel that anyone here will judge you. Everyone has their own stories and why they are here. I'm so happy that you were able to get that off your mind. I'm so happy that you and your daughter are reconnecting. I wish you only peace now and hope that everyday brings you closer to having your family complete. I think whether you right in this journal or in just  a private journal for yourself you need to keep it up only because it is better to get all those feelings out in the hope something we can't always do with those around us. I have found some truly wonderful people in Jland that I would never have known otherwise. I don't know your other readers, but I know Lisa Jo and she is awesome. I hope you get a sense of relief now that you have let some of that out.
Take care, Chrissie

my3gifts said...

Robyn
I just came across this journal of yours (only have ever been to your tag journal). What a testimony you have. I honestly can't imagine the pain and heartache you've had in allowing your aunt to adopt your daughter. I am praying for you as you find your role in your daughter's life, as lines feel blurred. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing in your life.

God Bless
Christy

carolsixpac said...

aww honey my heart is with you-u have been thru so much. May  God watch over u all and bless u.

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