Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year's!!

Happy New Years to everyone a few hours early! I hope everyone has a blast tonight! I just got all the decorations put up and am ready for the party. Actually I am off to shower when done writing this, then I will be ready. We have 16 people coming here tonight. I just made 3 pans of jello shots a couple hours ago and we should all have a blast tonight ;) It is hard to believe the year is already almost over. This year has flown by!

All of you that are going out and about tonight BE SAFE! Do not drink and drive if you have to please take a cab or have a sober driver!  Have a blast and I love ya all ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR"S!

Hugs, Robyn

 

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Checking in :)

 

Hi everyone. Christmas was great! I have a ton more pics to upload and was going to make a couple different slide shows, but for some reason the first 20 took forever to upload so I am just adding this one for now.

Our meal was awesome, spending time together was awesome, everyone got some great presents! I added pictures of the ornaments that my sister in law made for all of us this year. I am not sure if any of you remember but last year she made purses, beads, and dream catcher ornaments. She is so great at what she does! I told her she should make these ornaments every year and sell them at craft fairs because they are way to cute ;)

I told you in a previous entry that my hubby is a scrooge with a capital S! I know my sister in law reads this journal so I am mainly directing this at her ;) Thank you so much for being my ear! Thank you for calling and offering to come early to help! I realized I have done a ton of entries about people in my life that mean alot to me and I am not sure if I have ever done that for her.

She is my sister and always will be! I love that girl as much as I do my own sister! She has a heart of gold! When I started getting sick with my kidney problems I was told she immediately no questions asked said "I will give her one of mine if she needs it!". Who that dosn't have a heart of gold offers something so unselfishly without a question in her head? That is priceless, she is priceless. So Ms. Ally I am just telling you that I love you and appreciate the person you are in my life always!!!

Yes I am still having some major problems in my stomach and kidney area. I am run down but life must go on. My symptoms have not gotten better yet. It has been over 8 weeks now! Who knows what it will end up being that after 3 rounds of antibiotics still hasn't cleared up. Time will tell.

Christmas day was amazing at my aunt's house! My daughter Alexis came home with me that evening and has been here since. I am so happy to have her here! I think I will be bringing her home on New Year's Day.

All of the kids got a ton of gift cards so we have spent two different days out shopping and using them. My sister bought me a Tiffany bracelet and a Victoria Secrets giftcard. I looked at the mall and wanted to order some clothes, so I just came home last night and ordered everything online instead. I had just went shopping there about a week before Christmas and got everything I wanted then lol so ordering online worked out best because their catalog items are not all in the stores.

My kids got giftcards to Best Buy, Target, Steve & Barry's, and ToysRus, Aeropostel, and Limited Too. They all got some really cool stuff at all of them! I also got a big ole giftcard to Bed Bath & Beyond from my mom. I have no idea what to get from there. I am thinking a new set of pots and pans lol! Boy am I fun ;)

Our daughter Amanda wasn't able to make it home for Christmas so we didn't see her or our grandson. I miss them! I have not seen them in months. I wish she were still here in MN closer to us.

My mom was not able to make it here on Christmas eve that was a bummer! She caught a really bad cold the night before. She is also very upset with my sister and choices she is making in her life right now and is stepping away because she does not support her and her b/f's relationship.

My brother went home the day before Christmas and stayed home this year with his kids instead of coming here. He is pretty down but doing ok. I hope next year he will come again and be with all of us. I talk to him nightly for hours and give him pep talks lol. Doing my sisterly duty ;) He will be ok. The hard thing for him was being gone from his house for 2 months then going home to a emtpy house. He is out buying furniture right now I think. It is driving him crazy to not have the house look like a house. I think that his divorce was probably the right thing to happen, yet it side swiped him. Maybe because he had gotten comfortable and was content to stay and just pretend everything was ok.  I do not think he ever would have left. His ex wife made the move. He found out she is seeing someone already and that hurt him badly! In talking a couple nights ago he could not remember what color eyes his ex had. I told him "and that is why you two are not together anymore" lol. I told him the day you forgot may have been the day you two started ending.

It has been snowing like crazy in MN. We get everything plowed and bam here is some more snow! On New Year's Day it is supposed to be below zero! BRRRR! Today I think it is 18 degrees.

My sister got her implants two days ago. She already had a C cup and gravity was still way working for her because she is 18. We all told her we thought one day when she is older that she will regret going to a D cup but she was determined to get it done and did as soon as she could. She is actually doing really well pain wise. I have heard it is very painful. She did the surgery where they go in through her armpits to place the implants and maybe that makes a difference I don't know. Either way she has been up and about, shopping one day, cleaning, watching TV. So she is lucky there that she is not feeling the pain alot have had.

Let's see what else? I think I covered most basis. It is looking like on New Years we will be having a party here. We will play poker, mexican dominoes, the WII, karoke. Should be fun. I considered taking us all to the Dells again to that same hotel we went to a few months ago, but have decided not to. It is to cold and is not as fun in the winter as the summer. But next summer we will definately go again.

My mom is pushing my brother and I hard to go to Mexico and Jamaica with her soon. I am considering lol! They both just went and renewed their passports, I need to go with my family and get passports. Once we have them then we can plan a trip.

Well I should get going, we have Chinese being delivered shortly.

Love and hugs, Robyn

Sunday, December 23, 2007

 

 

So I am actually completely and totally ready for Christmas! All food I am cooking is gotten, all presents gotten, all the stocking stuffers gotten, and the house is clean except minor picking up tomorrow late afternoon.

I am having my mom, sister, nephew, hubby's son, hubby's mom, grandma and sister over tomorrow night for dinner then presents. I am cooking a honey glazed ham, rice/broccoli hotdish, mashed potatoes/gravy, sausage stuffing that is super yummy and easy to make, corn, rolls, deviled eggs, a meat and cheese platter, and of course my Chex mix that I make every year. It is cooking as I type so it can cool overnight.

Then on Christmas morning we will wake up and the kids will do their stockings and we will get ready to head to my aunt's house where my daughter Alexis lives to spend Christmas Day with them :)!!! My daughter will then come home with me and stay with me until January 1st. I am SO excited. I love her so much. I will get pics and add them after Christmas. This year has been so stressful yet so exciting getting ready for Christmas. My hubby is a scrooge with a capital S! Yet the happiness in my heart that I will be spending it with ALL of my kids this year is so amazing to me.

This beautiful girl my daughter who has not been a part of my life for almost 10 years is now back in my life and I have been honored as her mother to get to know everything about her. She is so sweet! She is so much like me in so many ways. It truly is a blessing to have her back in my life. She was my missing puzzle piece. She has completed my heart and it has made me so happy!

Well I need to go get the Chex mix out of the oven. So I should wrap this up and say to all of you.................

 

to all of you! Just in case I am not back until after Christmas day. I hope you all have a wonderful day and love your friends and family, and get good presents lol! Oh and take LOTS of pictures to share with us ;)

Love you and hugs, Robyn

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Random photo entry

Hi again! I was just uploading some pictures from my camera and decided to do a random photo entry ;) The first pics are of random Christmas stuff......

Got alot of my shopping done. But still have more to do which I plan on getting done this weekend.

For starters I LOVE Yankee Candles. But these two for the holiday season smell so great!

This is a snowman that I bought at JcPenny's last week. He lights up and is way cute...

This is a votive candle burner that I got a few days ago. It holds 5 candles and looks great at night lit up ;) I love it!

We have presents ;)

My daughter Rayanna, hubby and I made gingerbread houses last night.....

This is the tea that hubby and I have been drinking alot of lately! We use two bags and the raw sugar and let the cup sit covered up for about 5 minutes and ummmmm is it good!

This next one is a reciepe of my grandma's. It is so yummy! Cherry jello, a box of frozen raspberries, whipped cream, cream cheese, a lil sugar, and marshmallows.

Then I bought these cute little jello cups to start making my son his deserts. He has a pretty basic diet. He cannot eat snacks the way that most kids do because he does not chew. His food has to be mashable. With a soft consistency. He had a Gtube that he ate through the first almost 3 years of his life. So I got these cool cups and will make different types of whipped jello for him to take to school. I will put crushed pinapple in some, mandarin oranges, ect. A better variety than what you can buy at the grocery store. He will love it!

And two for the road ;) Always remember to........

Hugs, Robyn

Rules to live by

 

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX..! Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
.

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone.


Aren't these some great rules? I try to practice just about every one of them in my day to day life ;)

I have decided after giving it ALOT of thought that I will not be going private with this journal. But what I will be doing is opening another private journal that will be where my real venting comes in lol. My readers who have been with me for a long time now will be invited to that journal when I open it.

I have had both of my journals public since I started writing in them and honestly would rather close my journal than go private. I just got a comment the other day from a 73 year old woman who plans to come back to read some more I would hate for her to come back and my journal be private ;)

It's interesting how other people find reading about my life interesting. It's a great feeling to know that people want to know what is going on in my day to day life. BUT it is not a great feeling to know that someone has nothing better to do than to take something from MY space where I am free and able to write whatever I want and turn it into drama.

The funniest thing is, I use this page to vent sometimes yes. But very rarely do I really use this space to vent. I give the quick version of most things that are bothering me and leave it at that. Once in a blue moon I will go into real specifics but usually on a typical day I will not do that. It honestly is not because I do not feel I can. It is because I choose not too.

My day to day life is far more stressful than anyone could know and I would probably be writing the same rants and raves everyday if I told it all.

My life is what it is, I have chose to be where I am at right now, I have chose to be that woman who loves 300% unconditionally to the point that if I were truly open with my daily life many people would say to me "what are you doing?".

The reason I just explained that is because I know who I am, I know where my heart is, I know what type of mother I am, I know what type of friend I am and because I know these things I do not feel the need to come here and vent every time my hubby and I have a problem, or everytime me and one of my kids has a problem.

I believe that it is "us" people with many real life problems that are the realist of them all. I think that people that come and open a journal on AOL and pretend to have this picture perfect white picket fence life would not fit into my world. I am far to real.

So with that said I am letting everyone know I am staying public, what you see is what you get. I am me and I am OK with me :) I actually happen to love me lol. I just happen to live in a very real world where real life problems do happen more often than they don't. Does that mean that I live a dramatic life? No I just live life as real as I possibly can. I live life one day at a time.

I hope everyone has a great day!!

 Hug, Robyn

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Of course Guido ;) You will be added!

Going private

I found out today that some people that have not been a part of my life in a long time have been reading this journal. Someone who took it upon herself to let my 18 year old daughter know that I talked of her in MY journal. I have said before I do not use my journal often to air my dirty laundry and when I do speak of issues with different people in my life that are having problems, or that I think are making bad choices I do not go into alot of detail.

I use this as a venting space and will not keep this journal public anymore after tomorrow. I would like to know how and why another 18 year old daughter of a ex of one of our best friends feels she can read MY stuff and share it with anyone, let alone to stir up trouble with my daughter!! I guess I do remember now that back when my daughter was sick the ex I am speaking of did send me a email because she had read on my journal that she was in the hospital (which I appreciated but never responded to) but at that time over a year ago it never dawned on me that she would share that with her daughter who is the same age as ours, nor did it dawn on me that a year later they are still reading it. I would have went private a long time ago had I have known.

If any of you want to keep reading this main journal of mine please leave me a comment and let me know so that I can make sure to add you to my list. Otherwise I will go private and see what happens. For the time being no new names will be added to my list of approved people to read. I will only allow those of you that have commented regular to be added. I have heard to many stories of lurkers that somehow find their way in even when they go private. It will not happen to mine. I only have a few regular readers and you will be the ones able to come to my private journal.

Thanks much Drea & Angie for making something that truly was a place I could vent and turning into something I have to hide!

I am sorry if this entry sounds really bitchy but I am frustrated! I do not like getting unexpected emails from my daughter who is half way across the country letting me know she had "Read what I wrote about her". I have enough drama in my real life and REFUSE to get involved in childish online drama.

I will close my journal and not come back before I start to deal with the online bullshit.

Robyn

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

My daughter Alexis

 

Hi everyone! The two pictures above are of both my daughter's Rayanna and Alexis. Lexi is the one with the orange striped tights on. Isn't she beautiful? The two younger ones are Alexis's brother and sister. My aunt also adopted them.

I know Halloween is far past, but I was cleaning my daughter's digital camera out the other day and found these pics and I think they are great so I wanted to share them.

Slowly I am getting my Christmas shopping done! Still have a lot to buy though. I got my Christmas cards filled out last night and they will be going in the mail today. I am slow moving this year.

I am still not feeling to hot. I got put on another round of antibiotics last week and have a couple days left. I have not noticed any change in my symptoms again though taking them for a week again.

Today at 2:30 I go see my doctor again and they will refer me to a Uroligist (sp?). Hopefully I will figure something out. My doc mentioned some strange named ailment it could be and told me he didn't even want to discuss the treatment options with me for it unless we know for sure that is what we are dealing with. If I find out more I will keep you updated. So bottom line 7 weeks later I am still feeling like garbage! Been to long!!

My daughter Alexis spent Saturday night with me. I have to drive about 2 and half hours round trip to get her so I went and picked her up Saturday around 4 and we went shopping. Her 10th birthday was on the 3rd of this month.

I struggled finding the right present to buy her. I ended up getting her a 14 karat white gold locket and put a picture of her and I in it. I wanted to show her I am ALWAYS here and near her heart. She loved it! I also got her 2 pairs of pajamas from Aeropostle and a teddy bear and a shirt. Oh and also some perfume. My daughter got her a bunch of stuff also that she loved.

On Sunday we picked Rayanna up at noon and headed to the Mall of America. The girls got all day passes to the Park at MOA. We did some more shopping. I got both of them a cute new pair of tennis shoes. They both got Puma's. We LOVE Puma's here ;)

When we walked into the MOA it was packed at noon!! We had a hard time finding a place to park. One of our local radio stations was doing a live recording of Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas caroling. There were so many people belting out carols and of course the Chipmunks were awesome ;) There was a also a couple younger stars on stage that both my daughter's knew right away, but I was clueless lol

I am still sending prayers and hopeful thoughts to Lahoma! Everyone please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She needs them right now!

Well I am off to go get some lunch with my hubby. Then off to my appt, then I have to pick my daughter up from school and take her to her eye appointment at 4. I will hopefully get a few more presents while we are at the mall today.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Love and hugs, Robyn

 

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas........

Hiya everyone! Two days ago it looked like this......

Now today it is snowing again pretty hard! We are supposed to get 6 more inches by tonight. Then again on Thursday it will start again. Gotta love Minnesota!! lol

I am still not feeling good. I am still going with the motions everyday but have some major pain in my right stomach area all the way through my back.

I did get my house semi decorated two days ago now we just need a tree. Slow moving this year! Usually I would have already had my tree up. I am hoping this weekend we will get it set up. I also have not even started Christmas shopping yet this year!! I am going to try to get a ton of it done this weekend coming up also.

I did get my hubby a really nice watch that was intended for Christmas but I already let him open it lol

I am getting Rayanna and Josh both nice flat screen TV's this year. My daughter saved up her money and just bought a Nintendo Wii so a nice big TV will be great for her.

I have a folder named trip mail in my aol mail and have been just adding emails to it for the last 14 days. I have over 1000 emails to go through, with 200 sitting in my inbox also! I am so behind!

I will take more pictures outside later tonight. It is coming down pretty hard right now!

Well that's it for today. Just a quick hello. I hope everyone is staying warm wherever you are.

Hugs, Robyn

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A whole lot on my mind at a early hour!

Hiya everyone. I should be sleeping. This is my first night home in 10 days after watching my sisters son and my moms dogs at my moms house and I cannot sleep. I have decided that this journal is maybe not what I wanted it to be.

There truly is some sort of satisfaction signing on and seeing that many people have commented in your journal and I do not think I write regular enough to have more than a few regular readers.

I choose by choice not to use this page to air my dirty laundry so to speak, to speak what truly goes through my head on a daily basis. So this early AM I am going to do exactly that because I have nothing to lose. My few regular readers can either keep reading or stop because of some things that I have not lied about, but just chose not to talk about here because it is very painful for me!

My children are my LIFE! I live and breathe my children. The part I have left out that is my biggest regret in life is my other daughter who is turning 10 on the 3rd of this month. Let's start 10 years ago. I had a under year old daughter Rayanna, was on the Depo shot and had no plans to have another baby. Yet I was one of the little percentage who got pregnant on a form of birth control with my other daughter Alexis. I was SCARED to death, doubted every ability as a mother in myself to raise one, let alone two a year apart. I asked my daughter's father how much I could count on him to be told " I will maybe take her once a month". I had recently met the man I have spent the last decade with and had to completely take him out of the picture when it came to my choices of my unborn childs( at that time) life.

I have been abused to extremes in my life that most people could not begin to understand and had to make a choice that now 10 years later I have lived to regret everyday of my life! I carried my daughter to 32 weeks and delivered her and gave her up for adoption to my biological aunt (who I also did not grow up knowing, but met her 5 years before delivering my daughter).  My mother was taken from our reservation by the goverment and placed with a white family. ( I am sorry if that sounds crass). We were raised white and felt we never fit in! Meaning my mom, brother and I.

IF I HAD KNOWN 10 years ago what type of mother, woman, lover, wife, ect I would have turned into I would have never self doubted myself. But I did and I allowed my daughter to be raised by my aunt and her family. I knew almost immediately that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by signing my parental rights over and have lived to regret it for the last decade. It is by far my biggest regret in life. Well last July my aunt pretty much forced a meeting for my daughter Lexi and Ray and I at the Pow Wow. I ran from it for 9 years, I ran from it out of selfishness I guess you could call it. I wanted her home with us, I wanted to give her all of me and all of my heart, the thing is when I gave her up for adoption I did it for unselfish reasons and she has been WELL taken care of, loved beyond belief, and taught are Native American culture which I never was. I have learned on my own.

So the ironic part is I let my aunt raise her as her own because 10 years ago I truly believed that her and her husband could give her something I couldn't (which was bullshit I now know) and gave her up for adoption for completely unselfish reasons, yet it was a open adoption and I ran and hid from my regrets for 9 years for what I have now learned selfish reasons. Because I was SCARED TO DEATH of getting to close to her and not being able to have her with me 24/7.

Well after meeting her I have realized that no matter what I do she is mine, she desires to have her biological mom in her life, she is me, she has so many of the same likes as I do, her and Rayanna are almost identical in so many ways. She was the missing piece in my life. She was the last piece of the puzzle that I was missing if that makes any sense.

She is now a part of my life and I have missed FAR to much of her life already and spend time with her alot and am trying to find that middle ground of knowing she has a family that she loves and that loves her equallly as much back and still trying to let her see that I have regretted from day one giving her up for adoption and not telling her to much because she is only 9. I have pretty muchly left it at......... "I love you, I always have, I have made mistakes, and I will always be here for you, and I will explain one day when your old enough anything you want to know"

I believe that my aunt full heartedly believes that I have always regretted what I did and that is why she forced the meeting. She knew Alexis wanted to know her mother and sister and brother. My aunt loves her with so much unconditional love that she was willing to take the chance of maybe even possibly losing her to me to allow Alexis the love she was able to have from myself, and my kids, and evenBill who had NOTHING to do with my choice 10 years ago.  My aunt is an amazing woman who because of the adoption of my mother I did not grow up knowing. She is an amazing woman with a heart of gold. She has loved my daughter and helped her become the amazing little girl she is with all of the love she is capable of giving, yet even knowing that I MISS my daughter! She is part of me, she is part of my other kids, she belongs here.

I have been struggling where I can find a middle ground to just be whatever she wants me to be. I have gotten the impression she wants me to be her mommy. She calls me mom which I have never forced, she comes to me and hugs me ( and melts my heart), she tells me she loves me, I tell her I love her because I do more than anything in this world.

So honestly the bottom line is I am struggling, I have lifes hardships thrown at me FAR more than your typical person and this is my biggest struggle by far out of all of the abuse and garbage I have dealt with in my whole life. I entered this world as a baby by conception of rape and have lived my whole life dealing with more abuse. I have been abused just about every way possible. I have learned to be a survivor, I have learned from my mistakes, I have promised myself I would NEVER let my kids hurt the way I did as a child, I have promised myself I would give my life to protect my children if I could. Yet I doubted myself as a mother and woman so much 10 years ago that I allowed myself to let a part of me go.

Am I looking for answers from any AOL readers? Nope, I am not. I am just speaking my mind. I am honestly thinking of closing this journal and only keeping my tag journal open because this one has not seemed to go anywhere. I have watched SO much drama with other amazing women with real life problems that is scares me to put all of me out there.

I will end this for now. I just needed to speak my mind. As far as AOL journals go I have honestly met some AMAZING women! I have met women that I only wish I could have the honor of being day to day up close and personal friends with (Ne, Lisa Jo, Marina, cough cough cough! lol).

Ne is amazing!!!! I will meet that woman someday. I feel spiritually connected to her. I wish I could have had a mother figure like her in my life growning up! How lucky I would have been!

Lisa Jo same for her. My god is she a HUGE hearted. loving woman I would love to be best friends with!!! And Marina MAN SHE IS AMAZING! I do truly love the qualities in you three!

I am going to sleep again now for a few hours. I am taking my daughter shopping around 1 for 2 birthday presents we need to get, and some fun shopping. I truly hope this entry didn't scare away the few readers I have.  I am just being real because I have nothing to lose here. If it goes really bad I will close this because it has not been what I wanted it to be anyways. If I get some positive comments I may start writing more of all of me on a regular basis.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Love you and hugs, Robyn

P.S this is not spell checked so sorry for typos!

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