Thursday, March 22, 2007

Devastated

 I did not intend on writing a journal entry for quite some time. But I am sitting here at my desk and have been crying in between ALL of the phone calls since 8 this morning and want to just write.

 Tomorrow morning we have to be up north at the funeral home at 10AM to pick out the flowers, casket, ect. My grandmother had all but those two things already preplanned as to how she wants it to go.

Her wake will be Sunday evening, and her funeral will be on Monday morning. I will be staying at her house while I am up there. My sister does not think she can handle it which is fine. But I think it will be good for me to be there with everything familar that has always made my grandma's home hers.

I have this pain in my heart right now that I cannot even explain! I just lost a woman who was the world to me! I have never ever went into details about my past, and the pain I have been through caused by every form of abuse possible. I will just say that I have been through more than most could possibly ever understand.

I wrote a letter to myself last year when we were told she was not going to make it and I think I am going to copy and paste a little of it. Not all because it is a timeline of my life starting at birth til the present but last year when I thought I was going to lose her I tried to push everyone close to me away in fear of them.....well honestly fear of all kinds of things. I have always been the kind of person to deal with painful things alone.

I am ok sharing a portion of it because at this point I am devastated and it is written perfectly to what I am feeling right this second. At the time when I wrote this letter my husband was the one who got the brunt of my wall being put up. I thought it was easier to ask him to leave then to ever let him see me weak. I was wrong for that. I will fore warn you that there is cussing in it..........( I am only adding the part of the timeline to myself that is speaking of my grandma and ending it where it drifts off into other things)

 

there is so much more I could put but my point is
to make this lifeline to see for myself WHEN THE FUCK IS ENOUGH ENOUGH???
Now I am at 30, and having A REALLY hard time letting the one person I have
loved trully and unconditionally for 8 years in. My grandma is dying and thru
all my losses and hurtI have endured in my life, she has ALWAYS been the ONLY
PERSON in my life who has not hurt me or abused me in any way shape of form.  So
to me that is priceless, that is everything.I am not sure how I am going to be
able to put one foot in front of the other and move on from this loss. Im afraid
Bill will not be able to handle my weakness and THOUGHT I made the best choice
possible for him and I to walk away. See I HAVE NEVER been taken care of like a
CHILD or a DAUGHTER or  MOTHER should be. I cry when I watch TV even tho its TV
it makes me so envious to see what people really treat other people like in a
family and in life.  This is not a pity party its only for my own sake to see my
series of events in my WHOLE  life to see that its not all a dream,a
nightmare more so then a dream. How can one wome
n, child at the time be brought into this world under such hurtful events and
then spend her whole life dealing with more hurt? When is enough enough? I AM
GOING to my grandma soon and telling her just how much she has ALWAYS meant to
me and to thank her, because I swear to god if I do not tell her before shes
gone I will not be able to forgive myself. Who is going to take my grandmas
place in my heart? Actually I know she cannot be replaced, but she is the one
person since day one that has never hurt me or put me down. Considering my
lifeline I am reading and rereading just to make sure it is as hard as I thought
it was I am not sure how I can accept her being gone when she is gone???? So my
best (really not best) thing I can do right now is push everyone away so that I
dont need to worry who will help fill that void, or have to support me when it
happens to see that I dont fall. I am not real used to people being my legs so
to speak and this one is going to be harder then ever si
nce my grandmother was the closest thing to a pair of legs to hold me up thru
all the events mentioned above. So somewhere inside myself I have always found
that dealing with any hurt or pain is much easier for myself and the other
person if I did it by myself, mostly because all my life I have had to deal with
it by myself going all the way back to when I was a child holding deep dark
nasty things inside myself out of fear of very bad things happening. So what do
I do? I push away on more then one occasion the one person in my adult years
that even tho he has brought me pain has also been in my corner and would do
anything for me if asked (even when not asked sometimes) because I do not have
the courage to let him in and be my support, my legs like I said earlier. He
will not like me when he sees me so down and out, he will walk away, he will
feel attacked, he will feel he did something, he will not understand. Or will
he???? Or is it to late?? I can think of many reasons that I n
eed and want him to stay in my life and come home, they WAY outweigh the reasons
I asked him to leave. We have issues that need to be worked on but the biggest
issue at this point in my life definately have nothing to do with past issues
between him and I that I cannot let go of, but thats the impression I give out
of fear of having to admit I am weak and scared. Part of me hoped he would see
fear and sadness and make me let him in, and realize it was not him it was a
easy way out so to speak so that I wouldnt push him away when it (my grandmas
death) actually does happen. But he didnt , but then again I didnt tell him
either and that is not fair to him. I do not like to burden anyone let alone the
man I love the most in my life with anything when I know I am crumbling inside.
I have been a mess even before finding out my grandmas health is quickly fading,
like my mom, taking care of my sister, feelings arising of other tragedies in my
life that have already started forcing my hear
t to close up again. I do not want it to be this way trust me I really dont. I
want Bill who holds a huge chunk of my heart to find that wedge that keeps it
from shutting again. But like I said I do not want to burden him, he is having a
hard time in his own head and heart, why should he have to help me? why should
anyone? The thing is if I could make him understand and I meen really make him
understand what my heart is screaming but I am doing a shitty ass job of showing
is that I need him so bad right now, I need him more then I have ever needed
anyone, I need him for so many different reasons, and want him equally for the
same reasons. I need him to wrap his arms around me and protect me, I need him
to hold me up when I am weak, I need him to make me see he will never walk away
from me when I lose control after my grandma dies, I need him to look in my eyes
and tell me WE are going to be alright, I need him to know I am very sorry for
trying so hard to push him away,

 

With that said maybe you can understand why today is beyond devastating for me. My grandmother has been through SO much with cancer repeatedly for the last 7 years and she is in a better place now I do trully know that. But she is going to be greatly missed, deeply and I mean the deepest way possible in every inch of my heart is going to ache for a long time!

I am a very spiritual person and believe 100% in spirits, ect. I had a very spiritual moment laying in bed crying an hour after I got the call she was gone. Some of you may think this sounds cooky, or strange or even unbelievable and that is ok. It was my moment that I do not honestly feel I need to justify or explain. I was crying very hard and my bedroom is on the second floor of my house. Clearly and loudly someone knocked on my bedroom window three times in a row, my dog flipped out I turned and looked and heard a very faint "It's going to be alright". My dog has remained on my heels since.

I was not scared it actually helped me and reminded me how great her love has always been for me.  I believe without a doubt she was telling me it is ok! I know there can be restless spirits which happens when someone in a family is unable to let go. But in this case it was not restless it was her just telling me that I will be ok. Every person in my family knows she is in a better place now.

I thought when I was sitting here staring at my computer that I wanted to write this entry, I thought I was going to be able to write well from my heart and I am not feeling that anymore. So I will end this and hope that I did not offend anyone with the swearing, talk of spirits, ect.

It is what it is to me tho and it is my life and my beliefs. I have very minimal memories of growing up because I chose to not remember all the hurt and bad that came along with it. But I can say that every single good memory I have that I remember vividly is owed to my grandma and grandpa. I love her, and I love him. They are both gone now and the memories will always be held in my heart!!

I will end this by saying "Thank you for making me the woman I am today" to her.................

Robyn

 

 

 

 

28 comments:

therealslimemmy said...

thank you for shairing this entry with us. your grandmother sounds like a very wonderful person and you were lucky to have her in your life.
she is at peace now and no longer suffering.
cancer is such a nasty thing...it took my dad years ago.
take care
hugs
emily
ps i hope you do not mind but i sent my readers over to your journal

pharmolo said...

I  can only wish you strength at this very sad time, Robyn. Will give you a mention in my journal too.

slcangelxxx said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I'm glad you have such great memories of her.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
http://journals.aol.com/sjs068587/andthebeatgoeson
--Stephanie

seraphoflove9001 said...

I'm here for you. Prayers going up.
Lisa

iamtish0726 said...

Prayers will be going up for you.  I am so sorry for the lost that you are feeling right now.  Hugs - Tish G.

emabecmar said...

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. May god bless you and your family always.
Cindy

jadejonez04 said...

I belive your Grandma doesn't want you to be this sad, she's at peace and came to tell you so.  Cherish that moment.  I am so sorry Robyn honey.  I felt that way about my Grandfather, he was more of a father to me than my own.  He passed from cancer 4 years ago, I still cry.  Never forget.  HUGS OXOOX
Gwen

crewsfour said...

Robyn - I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.  Leene

sugarsweet056 said...

Condolences on the loss of your Grandmother. My prayers are with you & the family. Your Grandmother is at peace, may God Bless.
Sugar

rdautumnsage said...

I came over from Guido's journal......I'm sorry for your loss hon, I do understand better than you could ever know what your going through. I myself lived through a life of abuse one after another. Pushing people away is the only thing we know when we are hurt. But part of healing is learning to trust again, even if it's only one person at a time. You will be in my prayers on the smoke. Somehow you will survive this and be able to look back on the memories of your grandmother fondly.
(Hugs) Indigo

kirkbyj05 said...

Please don't test your Bill's patience and love by pushing him away.  Let him love you as much as you love him, that's only fair. You need him! He could be there for you, wrapping his protective arms around you and holding you until you feel his love and comfort as you once felt your grandmother's.  Bill was not brought up the same way as yourself so he wont berate you as you expect. You must know that we are all vulnerable human beings who are  open to fears and sorrow. We all need someone to love us and to love.  You already see that strong love towards you living in Bill and yourself. You could have a similar life like you see on TV become your way of life too.  But you have to work at it.  Everybody does and itsnot easy.  Real life isn't perfect by any means!  There are lots of bumpy rides aong the way.  Your Grandother would have known that and wished for you to have someone other than herself to be there for you and be 'your legs'.  She would also want you to believe in yourself and be the person you were meant to be.  Not this woman who pushes life away from her.  Live it and make her happy to see the beautiful woman she saw in you come alive at last and become confident of her place in the world. It could be your memorial tribute to her generous and loving heart.  May she rest in peace...
God Bless.
Jeanie

butterflies4me04 said...

I have never been to your journal before but Emily has sent us here ... I am really sorry to hear of your loss. It really sounds like you have been through a lot! I am really sorry for that and I sure hope things begin to look up for you from here on out. I did see though that it says you are pushing Bill, your husband, away b/c of fear of letting him see you weak. That is what marriage is all about, letting him see you weak and letting him "be your legs" that is what he is there for. He sounds like a great guy and I am sure he WANTS to "be your legs!" You have to give him a chance, it's not fair to him if you don't! I understand you are going through a tough time, but let him help you! I am really sorry to hear of your loss and I know it is hard. You will make it through it and like you said yourself, she is in a better place now. She will not hurt anymore! It was her time to go and it is very upsetting I understand that. As for the crying in bed and it sounding cooky ... I don't think so. You needed to release your feelings for her go. I cried for hours when I found out my friend passed away. And if someone thinks it is cooky, then (pardon my french) screw them, it is your life and who cares what others have to think!  I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Get better soon!

Theresa
http://journals.aol.com/butterflies4me04/MyLifeHappenings/

jeanno43 said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Grandmother. Having lost so many people who were very dear to me I know only too well the range of emotions you go through. I am glad you had that experience because I am sure it was a sign from your Grandmother, giving you comfort and the strength to carry on.  Hugs

http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/JeannettesJottings/

queeniemart said...

if it wasnt for my grandmother and her love of me, i would be dead. I believe you had that experience after she passed....and i know how you must be feeling. When someone loves you unconditionally as others abuse you, and then that safe person passes on you can feel scared, alone and lost. I am sorry you are going thru this.
lisa

gehi6 said...

I, too, had a rough childhood, but my Grandmother on my dad's side, stepped up and made me feel loved, and I, too, had several visitatiions from her after she pased on.  One was a wondereful dream just after I came ome from the mental hnospital extremely fragile.  She came in a dream and told me she had to be in a hospitall for several years after she passed on.  She said they have tose hospitals here.  I said why did you have to go there, Grandma.  She said simply, "because I did not know what happened to my sons."  (Why so many died, all four of them before reaching her age when she died.  This dream comforted me so much.  I tought love will find away even across the barrier of death.  Gerry

jckfrstross said...

i am so sorry on the loss of your grandma.

Deb

silvershivazero said...

You know that Mom and I are here for you and I'll help you anyway I can, just ask.
I love you sis.
Ally

motoxmom72 said...

Hello.  I found you through Guido.  Please accept my condolences on your loss.  I will add you and your family to my prayers for strength and comfort at this time.
HUGS,
Gina
http://journals.aol.com/motoxmom72/GinasWeigtLossJourney

totallymentalben said...

{{{Robyn}}} I'm sending good vibes for strength and courage your way.

Something I found helpful when my father passed away a few weeks ago was to write a eulogy - taking all those thoughts you've expressed and getting them into a form that might be shared with your grandmother's other loved ones at her funeral. It was a big part of my grieving process and helped me to stay centered. Perhaps it can do the same for you.

Stay as brave as you've been so far.

Sincere good thoughts...
Ben
http://journals.aol.com/totallymentalben/better-left-unsaid

doclove64 said...

So sorry to hear about you lost. I  will keep you and your family in my prayers.

topazscorpio27 said...

Just remember that she loves you and she's watching out for you and yours.  You're in my thoughts. -Dawn-

mariealicejoan said...

so sorry to hear about your Grandmother's passing.  MY dear Aunt Freda whom I was very  close to died just a few months ago of lung cancer so I know how you are feeling.  {{{{HUGS}}}}  I have experienced the "three knock" phenomena as you have as well.  You are not crazy...it really does happen.  Mine ocurred in the middle of the night as my first husband and I were fast asleep.  The knocks were loud enough to wake the both of us up.  When he went to our bedroom door, nobody was there.  A few minutes the telephone rang and it was the hospital telling us that his father had passed away only a few moments earlier.  Wierd, yet oddly comforting at the same time...
Marie

http://journals.aol.co.uk/mariealicejoan/MariesMuses/

nightmaremom said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  Sending good thoughts, prayers, and strength.
d
http://journals.aol.com/nightmaremom/Thisandthatandhockey/

bethjunebug said...

Robyn, I feel your pain as I too have just recently, lost my dear sweet grandmother. I was her hospice nurse too, and it was a devistating experience, but I wanted to make sure she recieved all of the right care, for her last months. I was there when she took her last breath. I expected it to be awful, but it was a peaceful moment, she had all her family there with her in her home, with grandchildren and great grandchildren playin in her front yard, beneath her window, she could hear them, She was smiling when she left us. and there was a warm, sweet, peace that filled the room. It felt as tho one huge angel had his arms around us all, lifting her up and takin our love with her. It was a happy moment too, because she was no longer suffering. I didn't want her to go, but didn't want her suffering either. I love her with all my heart and so thankful for the years that I had with her, and especially the last year, caring for her. Those were precious moments that I will never forget for the rest of my life. You hang on to your happy memories of your grandmother, they will get you through. And if you are a christian, chin up, You will see her again!
God Bless, and I will be praying for you.
Liz in Va.

chevyz71gurl74 said...

Hi Robyn...I'm coming by way of Emily...
I'm so sorry for your loss....my grandma will be gone 8yrs. on the 30th....it is so hard losing those we love...she helped raise me...so we had a special bond...I miss her so much!  Last year on the 3rd of March...I lost my aunt to cancer..she was only 43...and was buried on her 44th birthday... She was more like a sister to me than an aunt...I miss her dearly.  We've had spiritual moments in our family also....I believe you 100%....I always feared people would think we were cooky also...but we know in our hearts these things truly happend to us...and they are a comfort to us in such difficult times. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

http://journals.aol.com/chevyz71gurl74/Youthinkyouknowbutyouhavenoidea

Hugs,
Terri

springangel235 said...

Sending prayers to you and your family...so sorry for your loss...may you have treasured memories...hugs and much love,
Joyce

erarein63 said...

Sorry to hear of your loss.  I can tell your grandmother means a great deal to you.  I believe in spirts also and the comfort they bring. (Sent over from Emily's Purple Pages).  De ;)

carolsixpac said...

ohhh honey, I am so very sorry. Treasure her in your heart and forever in your memories.

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