I did not intend on writing a journal entry for quite some time. But I am sitting here at my desk and have been crying in between ALL of the phone calls since 8 this morning and want to just write.
Tomorrow morning we have to be up north at the funeral home at 10AM to pick out the flowers, casket, ect. My grandmother had all but those two things already preplanned as to how she wants it to go.
Her wake will be Sunday evening, and her funeral will be on Monday morning. I will be staying at her house while I am up there. My sister does not think she can handle it which is fine. But I think it will be good for me to be there with everything familar that has always made my grandma's home hers.
I have this pain in my heart right now that I cannot even explain! I just lost a woman who was the world to me! I have never ever went into details about my past, and the pain I have been through caused by every form of abuse possible. I will just say that I have been through more than most could possibly ever understand.
I wrote a letter to myself last year when we were told she was not going to make it and I think I am going to copy and paste a little of it. Not all because it is a timeline of my life starting at birth til the present but last year when I thought I was going to lose her I tried to push everyone close to me away in fear of them.....well honestly fear of all kinds of things. I have always been the kind of person to deal with painful things alone.
I am ok sharing a portion of it because at this point I am devastated and it is written perfectly to what I am feeling right this second. At the time when I wrote this letter my husband was the one who got the brunt of my wall being put up. I thought it was easier to ask him to leave then to ever let him see me weak. I was wrong for that. I will fore warn you that there is cussing in it..........( I am only adding the part of the timeline to myself that is speaking of my grandma and ending it where it drifts off into other things)
there is so much more I could put but my point is
to make this lifeline to see for myself WHEN THE FUCK IS ENOUGH ENOUGH???
Now I am at 30, and having A REALLY hard time letting the one person I have
loved trully and unconditionally for 8 years in. My grandma is dying and thru
all my losses and hurtI have endured in my life, she has ALWAYS been the ONLY
PERSON in my life who has not hurt me or abused me in any way shape of form. So
to me that is priceless, that is everything.I am not sure how I am going to be
able to put one foot in front of the other and move on from this loss. Im afraid
Bill will not be able to handle my weakness and THOUGHT I made the best choice
possible for him and I to walk away. See I HAVE NEVER been taken care of like a
CHILD or a DAUGHTER or MOTHER should be. I cry when I watch TV even tho its TV
it makes me so envious to see what people really treat other people like in a
family and in life. This is not a pity party its only for my own sake to see my
series of events in my WHOLE life to see that its not all a dream,a
nightmare more so then a dream. How can one wome
n, child at the time be brought into this world under such hurtful events and
then spend her whole life dealing with more hurt? When is enough enough? I AM
GOING to my grandma soon and telling her just how much she has ALWAYS meant to
me and to thank her, because I swear to god if I do not tell her before shes
gone I will not be able to forgive myself. Who is going to take my grandmas
place in my heart? Actually I know she cannot be replaced, but she is the one
person since day one that has never hurt me or put me down. Considering my
lifeline I am reading and rereading just to make sure it is as hard as I thought
it was I am not sure how I can accept her being gone when she is gone???? So my
best (really not best) thing I can do right now is push everyone away so that I
dont need to worry who will help fill that void, or have to support me when it
happens to see that I dont fall. I am not real used to people being my legs so
to speak and this one is going to be harder then ever si
nce my grandmother was the closest thing to a pair of legs to hold me up thru
all the events mentioned above. So somewhere inside myself I have always found
that dealing with any hurt or pain is much easier for myself and the other
person if I did it by myself, mostly because all my life I have had to deal with
it by myself going all the way back to when I was a child holding deep dark
nasty things inside myself out of fear of very bad things happening. So what do
I do? I push away on more then one occasion the one person in my adult years
that even tho he has brought me pain has also been in my corner and would do
anything for me if asked (even when not asked sometimes) because I do not have
the courage to let him in and be my support, my legs like I said earlier. He
will not like me when he sees me so down and out, he will walk away, he will
feel attacked, he will feel he did something, he will not understand. Or will
he???? Or is it to late?? I can think of many reasons that I n
eed and want him to stay in my life and come home, they WAY outweigh the reasons
I asked him to leave. We have issues that need to be worked on but the biggest
issue at this point in my life definately have nothing to do with past issues
between him and I that I cannot let go of, but thats the impression I give out
of fear of having to admit I am weak and scared. Part of me hoped he would see
fear and sadness and make me let him in, and realize it was not him it was a
easy way out so to speak so that I wouldnt push him away when it (my grandmas
death) actually does happen. But he didnt , but then again I didnt tell him
either and that is not fair to him. I do not like to burden anyone let alone the
man I love the most in my life with anything when I know I am crumbling inside.
I have been a mess even before finding out my grandmas health is quickly fading,
like my mom, taking care of my sister, feelings arising of other tragedies in my
life that have already started forcing my hear
t to close up again. I do not want it to be this way trust me I really dont. I
want Bill who holds a huge chunk of my heart to find that wedge that keeps it
from shutting again. But like I said I do not want to burden him, he is having a
hard time in his own head and heart, why should he have to help me? why should
anyone? The thing is if I could make him understand and I meen really make him
understand what my heart is screaming but I am doing a shitty ass job of showing
is that I need him so bad right now, I need him more then I have ever needed
anyone, I need him for so many different reasons, and want him equally for the
same reasons. I need him to wrap his arms around me and protect me, I need him
to hold me up when I am weak, I need him to make me see he will never walk away
from me when I lose control after my grandma dies, I need him to look in my eyes
and tell me WE are going to be alright, I need him to know I am very sorry for
trying so hard to push him away,
With that said maybe you can understand why today is beyond devastating for me. My grandmother has been through SO much with cancer repeatedly for the last 7 years and she is in a better place now I do trully know that. But she is going to be greatly missed, deeply and I mean the deepest way possible in every inch of my heart is going to ache for a long time!
I am a very spiritual person and believe 100% in spirits, ect. I had a very spiritual moment laying in bed crying an hour after I got the call she was gone. Some of you may think this sounds cooky, or strange or even unbelievable and that is ok. It was my moment that I do not honestly feel I need to justify or explain. I was crying very hard and my bedroom is on the second floor of my house. Clearly and loudly someone knocked on my bedroom window three times in a row, my dog flipped out I turned and looked and heard a very faint "It's going to be alright". My dog has remained on my heels since.
I was not scared it actually helped me and reminded me how great her love has always been for me. I believe without a doubt she was telling me it is ok! I know there can be restless spirits which happens when someone in a family is unable to let go. But in this case it was not restless it was her just telling me that I will be ok. Every person in my family knows she is in a better place now.
I thought when I was sitting here staring at my computer that I wanted to write this entry, I thought I was going to be able to write well from my heart and I am not feeling that anymore. So I will end this and hope that I did not offend anyone with the swearing, talk of spirits, ect.
It is what it is to me tho and it is my life and my beliefs. I have very minimal memories of growing up because I chose to not remember all the hurt and bad that came along with it. But I can say that every single good memory I have that I remember vividly is owed to my grandma and grandpa. I love her, and I love him. They are both gone now and the memories will always be held in my heart!!
I will end this by saying "Thank you for making me the woman I am today" to her.................