Friday, March 30, 2007

Quick update

Hi everyone I intend on writing a long entry about my grandmother and the wake and funeral I just do not have it it me to do it yet. I am doing ok and will be ok. Her presence and the void is the hardest part to accept.

I would like to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for all the kind words and support. All of the comments meant more to me then you could know! (Actually I am sure most of you do know how the comments help in the grieving process, or just when having a bad day!). You are all amazing people!

I signed back on after we got home from the funeral and could not believe all the comments from people sent from other people. So again THANK YOU very much! I have been diving into making my tags and get lost in them sometimes. I have a long heartfelt entry coming when I am ready as a last tribute so to speak to my grandma.

That's it for tonight. I am off to make another tag and relax.

TONS of Hugs,


Sunday, March 25, 2007

Leaving for a couple days

I am leaving at 9:30 this morning with my kids to head up north. I have pretty much floated throught the last 3 days. I got Strep Throat the day my grandma passed away and have not only been heartbroken, but also sick. I do feel a little better today thank goodness!

My grandma's wake is at 3 today. 3-4 is for family and 4-7 is open to everyone. We are expecting a minimum of 120 people at the funeral which is tomorrow morning at 11.

I would like to thank everyone for all the comments and support that was shown here in the last few days! All of the comments were amazing! You are all thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Love and Hugs,



Thursday, March 22, 2007


 I did not intend on writing a journal entry for quite some time. But I am sitting here at my desk and have been crying in between ALL of the phone calls since 8 this morning and want to just write.

 Tomorrow morning we have to be up north at the funeral home at 10AM to pick out the flowers, casket, ect. My grandmother had all but those two things already preplanned as to how she wants it to go.

Her wake will be Sunday evening, and her funeral will be on Monday morning. I will be staying at her house while I am up there. My sister does not think she can handle it which is fine. But I think it will be good for me to be there with everything familar that has always made my grandma's home hers.

I have this pain in my heart right now that I cannot even explain! I just lost a woman who was the world to me! I have never ever went into details about my past, and the pain I have been through caused by every form of abuse possible. I will just say that I have been through more than most could possibly ever understand.

I wrote a letter to myself last year when we were told she was not going to make it and I think I am going to copy and paste a little of it. Not all because it is a timeline of my life starting at birth til the present but last year when I thought I was going to lose her I tried to push everyone close to me away in fear of them.....well honestly fear of all kinds of things. I have always been the kind of person to deal with painful things alone.

I am ok sharing a portion of it because at this point I am devastated and it is written perfectly to what I am feeling right this second. At the time when I wrote this letter my husband was the one who got the brunt of my wall being put up. I thought it was easier to ask him to leave then to ever let him see me weak. I was wrong for that. I will fore warn you that there is cussing in it..........( I am only adding the part of the timeline to myself that is speaking of my grandma and ending it where it drifts off into other things)


there is so much more I could put but my point is
to make this lifeline to see for myself WHEN THE FUCK IS ENOUGH ENOUGH???
Now I am at 30, and having A REALLY hard time letting the one person I have
loved trully and unconditionally for 8 years in. My grandma is dying and thru
all my losses and hurtI have endured in my life, she has ALWAYS been the ONLY
PERSON in my life who has not hurt me or abused me in any way shape of form.  So
to me that is priceless, that is everything.I am not sure how I am going to be
able to put one foot in front of the other and move on from this loss. Im afraid
Bill will not be able to handle my weakness and THOUGHT I made the best choice
possible for him and I to walk away. See I HAVE NEVER been taken care of like a
CHILD or a DAUGHTER or  MOTHER should be. I cry when I watch TV even tho its TV
it makes me so envious to see what people really treat other people like in a
family and in life.  This is not a pity party its only for my own sake to see my
series of events in my WHOLE  life to see that its not all a dream,a
nightmare more so then a dream. How can one wome
n, child at the time be brought into this world under such hurtful events and
then spend her whole life dealing with more hurt? When is enough enough? I AM
GOING to my grandma soon and telling her just how much she has ALWAYS meant to
me and to thank her, because I swear to god if I do not tell her before shes
gone I will not be able to forgive myself. Who is going to take my grandmas
place in my heart? Actually I know she cannot be replaced, but she is the one
person since day one that has never hurt me or put me down. Considering my
lifeline I am reading and rereading just to make sure it is as hard as I thought
it was I am not sure how I can accept her being gone when she is gone???? So my
best (really not best) thing I can do right now is push everyone away so that I
dont need to worry who will help fill that void, or have to support me when it
happens to see that I dont fall. I am not real used to people being my legs so
to speak and this one is going to be harder then ever si
nce my grandmother was the closest thing to a pair of legs to hold me up thru
all the events mentioned above. So somewhere inside myself I have always found
that dealing with any hurt or pain is much easier for myself and the other
person if I did it by myself, mostly because all my life I have had to deal with
it by myself going all the way back to when I was a child holding deep dark
nasty things inside myself out of fear of very bad things happening. So what do
I do? I push away on more then one occasion the one person in my adult years
that even tho he has brought me pain has also been in my corner and would do
anything for me if asked (even when not asked sometimes) because I do not have
the courage to let him in and be my support, my legs like I said earlier. He
will not like me when he sees me so down and out, he will walk away, he will
feel attacked, he will feel he did something, he will not understand. Or will
he???? Or is it to late?? I can think of many reasons that I n
eed and want him to stay in my life and come home, they WAY outweigh the reasons
I asked him to leave. We have issues that need to be worked on but the biggest
issue at this point in my life definately have nothing to do with past issues
between him and I that I cannot let go of, but thats the impression I give out
of fear of having to admit I am weak and scared. Part of me hoped he would see
fear and sadness and make me let him in, and realize it was not him it was a
easy way out so to speak so that I wouldnt push him away when it (my grandmas
death) actually does happen. But he didnt , but then again I didnt tell him
either and that is not fair to him. I do not like to burden anyone let alone the
man I love the most in my life with anything when I know I am crumbling inside.
I have been a mess even before finding out my grandmas health is quickly fading,
like my mom, taking care of my sister, feelings arising of other tragedies in my
life that have already started forcing my hear
t to close up again. I do not want it to be this way trust me I really dont. I
want Bill who holds a huge chunk of my heart to find that wedge that keeps it
from shutting again. But like I said I do not want to burden him, he is having a
hard time in his own head and heart, why should he have to help me? why should
anyone? The thing is if I could make him understand and I meen really make him
understand what my heart is screaming but I am doing a shitty ass job of showing
is that I need him so bad right now, I need him more then I have ever needed
anyone, I need him for so many different reasons, and want him equally for the
same reasons. I need him to wrap his arms around me and protect me, I need him
to hold me up when I am weak, I need him to make me see he will never walk away
from me when I lose control after my grandma dies, I need him to look in my eyes
and tell me WE are going to be alright, I need him to know I am very sorry for
trying so hard to push him away,


With that said maybe you can understand why today is beyond devastating for me. My grandmother has been through SO much with cancer repeatedly for the last 7 years and she is in a better place now I do trully know that. But she is going to be greatly missed, deeply and I mean the deepest way possible in every inch of my heart is going to ache for a long time!

I am a very spiritual person and believe 100% in spirits, ect. I had a very spiritual moment laying in bed crying an hour after I got the call she was gone. Some of you may think this sounds cooky, or strange or even unbelievable and that is ok. It was my moment that I do not honestly feel I need to justify or explain. I was crying very hard and my bedroom is on the second floor of my house. Clearly and loudly someone knocked on my bedroom window three times in a row, my dog flipped out I turned and looked and heard a very faint "It's going to be alright". My dog has remained on my heels since.

I was not scared it actually helped me and reminded me how great her love has always been for me.  I believe without a doubt she was telling me it is ok! I know there can be restless spirits which happens when someone in a family is unable to let go. But in this case it was not restless it was her just telling me that I will be ok. Every person in my family knows she is in a better place now.

I thought when I was sitting here staring at my computer that I wanted to write this entry, I thought I was going to be able to write well from my heart and I am not feeling that anymore. So I will end this and hope that I did not offend anyone with the swearing, talk of spirits, ect.

It is what it is to me tho and it is my life and my beliefs. I have very minimal memories of growing up because I chose to not remember all the hurt and bad that came along with it. But I can say that every single good memory I have that I remember vividly is owed to my grandma and grandpa. I love her, and I love him. They are both gone now and the memories will always be held in my heart!!

I will end this by saying "Thank you for making me the woman I am today" to her.................






I will ALWAYS love you and cherish the memories......

 My grandma passed away about 30 minutes ago. I just got the call. I cannot explain how or what I am feeling right now. I love that woman more than life itself! I will be back when I am ready.


Friday, March 9, 2007

One more snagged from Lostinmyownthoughts

Two Names You Go By:

1. Baby


Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

1. Diamond Ring

2. Black lounge pants


Two Things You Would Want (or have) in a Relationship:

1. Honesty
2. Romance


Two of Your Favourite Things to do:

1. Shop

2. PSP as of recent 


Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:

1. My grandma to pass in her sleep and not suffer anymore
2. A massage

Two pets you had/have:

1. Romeo my lab he is 6

2. Drako my Australian waterdragon


Two people who will fill this out:

1.Emily maybe

2. It's a toss up between Gwen and Lisa


Two things you did last night:

1. Drove 4 hours home from my grandma's
2. Cried on the way home


Two things you ate today:


1.White Cheddar mac n cheese
2. About to eat turkey and mashed potatoes when done with this


Two people you Last Talked To:

1. My Schwanns man

2. My sister


Two Things You're doing tomorrow:

1. cleaning

2. more cleaning (it has been SO busy for a couple weeks for me so I have neglected my house)


Two longest car rides:

1. From MN to Washington DC many many times

2. From MN to Las Vegas


Two Favorite Holidays:

1. Christmas

2. Thanksgiving


Two favorite beverages:

1.Mountain Dew (I know it is terrible for me lol!)

2. Raspberry Aquafina water

Snagged again from Lostinmyownthoughts

1. Where did your last kiss take place?

In computer room


2. Who knows a secret or two about you?

My sisters


3. Four words to explain why you last threw up?

Really bad kidney infection


4. Have you ever burned yourself?



5. What's crazy to you?

The way the world works now days


6. Favorite cuss word:


7. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Hopefully noone lol


8. Who is your hero? My grandma


9. Would you ever want to be a model?

Years ago I thought about it. But cannot be fake happy un demand ;) And I am only 5'2


10. Who is the most experimental person you know? My brother


11. Do you tell white lies?

 If I told you I would have to kill you!


12. When is your next party?

 My birthday in April


13. Who do you want to be with right now? My grandma


15. How do you handle a break up?

Go out dancing


16. Your motivation for tomorrow?

 It's the weekend!


17. Last person to hurt you? My husbands daughter


18. Last person to make you laugh?



19. Last thing you ate?

White cheddar mac n cheese and hot dogs


20. Do u ever go a few days without changing your underwear?

Um NO!


21. Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?

I'm sure a time or two


22. Do daddy long legs freak you out?  I don't love em


23. Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
Yes I have


24. Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
I don't make a habit of it but I have


25. Do you kiss your pets on the mouth?

Sometimes he is one of the family


27. What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
Is there a difference? I find them all disturbing


28. Do you ever talk to the TV?
Yes and cry when watching it


29. Would you ever work in a retirement home?

Absolutely! I used to volunteer at one


30. Do you believe plants have feelings?
They seem to last longer when talked to


31. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?

Yes lol. Hubby has a friend who had a funny hair cut briefly. One night my sister in law and I were drinking and playing some game and she looked at him and asked him "So, what size bowl did you use to cut your hair?". We laughed so hard!


32. Do you have nervous twitches?



33. Are you ever purposely irritating? No

34. If you could fly, where would you go first? Costa Rica

36. Love or lust? Love. 


37. One best friend or 10 aquaintances?
One best friend


38. Favorite food?Benihana's


39. Do you believe that your first love never dies?
Not sure to be honest


40. What upcoming event are you waiting and ready for? My grandma's passing. More so waiting than ready but I know she is ready

41. Current smell?

Tropical Febreeze disc


42. Do you get your nails done?

Yes but always take a couple month break to let my nails breathe


43. Most favorite person?

My kids, and family


44. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonald's? Chicken/Ranch Wrap


45. Are you an emotional person?
Sometimes I have ALOT of compassion for people


46. Do you like your name? Sure


47. Do you have plans this weekend? Cleaning


48. Do you work?

Stay at home mom


49. Do you dance naked in your room at night? I walk around my house naked sometimes lol. Dance? Yeah sometimes


50. When did your last relationship end? 

Been in same one for almost 10 years


51. What are you listening to right now?

Hubby's game behind me


52. Biggest fear?

 My kids getting hurt, anyone in my family getting hurt


53. How long have you been a part of myspace? 

I really am not a part of it, I have an account that is nothing special because I had to make one to read my sisters last year when she was using drugs heavily


54. Favorite place to be?

On a tropical island, or home will do lol


55. What are you wearing right now? Brown tank top and black lounge pants and barefoot


56. Do you hate anybody?

That word is very strong! Dislike, absolutely but not hate


57. Does anyone hate you? 

I don't believe so


58. How many people do you trust fully?



59. Did you have fun doing this?

I always love these


60. Are you thinking of someone special right now?

 My grandma and mother in law


I noticed a few are missing they were never here lol

Friday, March 2, 2007

Snagged from Lostinmyownthoughts

Things You See While at Your



Name 6 red things that you see from where you sit.


1. A little notepad

2. the Dew on my Mountain Dew

3. Straw in air can

4. stripe in my Victoria Secret lounge pants

5. Pattern on native blanket on hubbies chair

6. Shirt in a picture of some kids from my Tinta Winta (tribal newsletter)


Name 5 blue things you see from where you sit.


1. Forever After hemp lotion bottle

2. Kleenex box

3. Highlighter marker

4. my window open on puter

5. My faerie Kougra on shelf on wall (neopets)


Name 4 green things you see from where you sit.


1. Sidebars on Swmpgrly's journal that I snagged this from

2. Cig pack

3. bow on teddy bear my sister bought me

4. Hubbies Green Tea bottle


Name 3 yellow things you see from where you sit.


1. scissors

2. envelope

3. the word Advil on bottle


Name 2 purple things you see from where you sit.


1. Ruler

2. Flower on picture my daughter drew me hanging on desk


Name 1 black thing you see from where you sit.


1. Headset

I realized that green and yellow must not be colors I am to fond of, I really had to look hard to find something lol

Promised pictures

Wow did we ever get a lot of snow! Here are some pics from late last night. It is still snowing today. According to the news we are supposed to get up to 13 more inches today!