Monday, September 25, 2006

Second try but not near as good

Does anyone else ever have SO much they would like to talk about but then decide against it for some reason or another? I am going threw so much right now emotionally and I think I do not write about it because I can barely sort it out inside my own head let alone trying to make someone else understand!!

For starters I wrote an entry a couple months ago about my 16 year old sister being pregnant. She had a ultrasound done on Friday and is 19 weeks along now, but they are sending her for a level 2 ultrasound because her babies limbs are only measuring at 14 weeks gestationally. They also kept going back to his (yes it is a boy) heart for some reason.

To me this is Deja Vu because when I was sent for my level 2 ultrasound they told me the exact same two things wrong at first! Her appt is on Wed. morning and I will be meeting her there as I have been threw all of this and will know what questions to ask. She has NO idea what life may have in store for her and I am scared for her!

NOTHING and mean nothing could have prepared me for what my life has been since the day my son was born and I am almost double her age and struggle with a ball of emotions everyday raising my son.

My hubby and I have always opted to not have the genetical testing done to see which one of us produced the gene that gave my son his disorder, because we had so many times with him that we were told he would not make it threw the night, or during his Cranial Vaults there was always the risk of complications. And had (thank god it didn't!!)  something had happened neither one of us wanted to know that one of us carried that gene. We always said that when the day came if he needed to know we would do it. But for the last 8 years we have not known.

So finding out my sister may be about to find out her son has something very similar to my sons condition tells me that I am the one who carries the gene. I cannot nor would change a thing with my son. He is my world! But it really honestly made me sad to know that when he is going threw what he is going threw and during his surgeries I may very well have been the one who passed this gene along to him.

I hope that this makes sense because I feel I am sort of rambling about it.

My 17 year old daughter is moving out into her own place on October 1st that is nothing special(it just needs some TLC lol), but the price is right and it is in a safe area and very close to us. Only about a 10 minute drive. Wednesday and Thursday we are going to be spending alot of time there painting and cleaning. It is clean to the landlords standards but not to mine lol.

I am giving her a whole bunch of stuff from my home to take with her. For one a really nice and comfy green couch and loveseat and coffee table, end table, area rug, and lamp that all go together. Now I do not know about you guys but my first apartment when I was 15 was bits and pieces of crap that I got as I could. NOTHING in my first place matched except maybe they were all some ugly brown of some sort lol. So she is very lucky to be starting out with so much nice stuff.

I believe she will make it and prove her dad (because he is convinced she will fall on her face) wrong. But if she dosn't and ends up having to come home then so be it. I think we have all been there at some point in our lives. But knowing how headstrong she is I honestly do not think that will be the case. Plus she is only 10 minutes away if she ever needs anything. She has a decent job making decent money for her age, and should have enough to pay her bills and get what she needs.

But it is still scary stuff as a mom lol. This is my hubbies daughter, not biologically mine. But she is mine! I am the woman she counts on, I am the woman in her life she knows she can trust. So she is just as much mine as his. Her mother moved away to the Domican Republic this last year and is a piece of work that is all I am going to say. Amanda has always been envious of my 10 year old Rayanna for having such a loving, consistent mother in her life. She has been let down over and over from her real mother. I feel blessed to know how much she loves me and appreciates me!

I always wondered why being a mother didn't come with a manual?? CAN YOU IMAGINE the size of that book that would drop out of you?? lmao. Really tho all you can do is the best you can and learn from your mistakes, and pick your battles. I know I make mention of that quite a bit in my journal but that is because I am a true believer in that statement. I have 3 kids that live in my home and hubby usually (which is another long story). And hubby and Amanda have Bi Polar. The two of them together are either the best of friends or they are butting heads because they are so much alike it is almost scary. And when they are both having a bad day oh man look out lol! That is a day in this house there is no reasoning with either of them, and very hard for me and my other two kids.

Rayanna started Hip hop dance last week and she loves it! She had her second class tonight and was so excited afterwards ;)  Well this is a long entry so I will end it for now......

Hugs, Robyn


jadejonez04 said...

Such differences in ages and stages!  I don't know how you deal with it.  Hang in there, I hope your soon to be nephew is just fine.  If not, then you know how to help your sister.  But I wouldn't beat yourself up over the genes.  You keep in mind you're lucky to have your son and stop the blame game, doesn't do any good, k?  HUGS XO

queeniemart said...

please do not feel responsible for your sons condition..even if your sister has a baby with something similar or the same thing, without the testing you are not 100% it was you. If it was you, well, would you love him any more if he was not like he is? NO. He was meant to be who he is. Period.
I am so glad you are there for Amanda....what an angel for you to love her as you do. I pray she does well when she moves out. I like it that you opened up....i hope it helps!
hugs, Lisa

carolsixpac said...

ohhh you and your family have gone thru so much!!!
Theres never been a manuel on motherhood cuz it would never
Keeping fingers crossed here for your sisters 2008 so doing catch up.