Hi everyone. Thanks for the comments about yesterdays entry!
Let me start by saying that I have been so full of different emotions that what I am feeling and how it comes out on paper get mixed up lol. I think I get my point across but I start rambling and do a terrible job saying it just how I meant it.
I am blessed to have my son. He is totally unique and totally different than any other child I have ever seen. I never want to sound like I am complaining about having to care for him. It is more that I use this journal to vent but I never ever want my venting to come off as complaining or wishing things were different. I would be a liar tho if I said that my days are not filled with ALL kinds of emotions. Some good, some bad!
For example something as simple as I have been changing diapers for TEN YES TEN years because my daughter was still in diapers when my son was born. I am TIRED of buying diapers and changing diapers lol!! But the reality of it is that I may be changing them for alot longer.
Another example is since there is really no communication between my son and I besides very limited signing that he is not consistent with. When he is mad about something, or frustrated with something, or overly stimulated about something he will hit me, kick me, head butt me, pinch me, bite his sisters, throw stuff at us. And no matter how often I remind my kids and husband and myself that he does not understand, it is still very frustrating somedays.
I have been at the doctors with him on more than one occasion with my 10 year old with me, and they actually sent a volunteer to our room to take her to occupy her because he was flipping out so bad. So then at that point I feel terrible for her because I can see she is just as frustrated as I am, and just as sad as I am.
BUT on that same note his sisters love him SO much and have more tolerance for the things he does to them than most would. They are so understanding and patient with him. I am very very lucky in that aspect!
God gave me Joshua for a reason. If I would have ever been told 10 years ago that I would be able to raise him I would have had serious doubts. But as time has went on I have came to realize... threw alot of different people stopping us in stores, churches, hospitals, malls, airports, ect and asking about him or offering thier prayers forhim and then ending it with "I do not know how you do it, if I were you I could not do it" that I didn't have a choice in my head. I did what I needed to do. I knew something was wrong with him before I delievered him. Would I change it now if I could? NO WAY! So I used to be compassionate towards these people that tell me "I could not do it" but now I find myself thinking "what would you do then??".
I do not think it makes me any stronger of a woman because I am able to raise a child like my son. I believe it is me being the mother I always swore to myself I would be, the exact opposite of what my mother ever was. 300% percent dedicated to my children and there for them no matter what!
On a whole different subject I wanted to again thank those of you who are leaving comments in my journal. I have been a silent reader for so long and it is really cool to now see that people are actually reading the mumble jumble that I write lol!
Well I am going to get going I have to do some housework and make dinner.