Monday, November 28, 2005

Picking up the pieces

Well after 8 years it is over :( He packed his stuff and left tonight. We have built a "home" together, made a family together, laughed together, fought together, cried together, spent many sleepless nights over our son together, and now we are walking away from all we have built.

My question in my head right now is...."Where do I go from here?" I knew it was coming to a point where something had to happen I just didn't think the FINAL stage was going to happen tonight.

We fight over the stupidest things, and also some pretty major things! Either way even tho I had a feeling the end may be near it does NOT make it any easier to accept right now this time, nor does it make my heart feel any better!

He drove me crazy but damn am I going to miss him!

I have lived and breathed him as my soul mate and lifelong partner for almost a decade! Every inch of our home is what we made together! So many memories, so many letters, so many cards, so many presents, so many photos.

He packed up and left vowing never to return and I sit here with "our" 3 children heartbroken and have to some how swallow my sadness to make sure that they will all be ok!?

He was my one and only "true" love, and I swear that reguardless of all the hurtful things that have happened in all these years I fully intended on loving him until lifes end!

I have never ever spoke of this in my journal but find no reason not to anymore.

He has Bi-Polar and has not been on meds one time in all of our years together. He has of course promised me many times (after terrible fights) that he would go on them. But that time never came. I knew NOTHING about this illness until a few years into our relationship when I realized I needed to learn in order to be ok and understand some of his actions.

Me being a calm, quiet person had a very very hard time understanding that something could cause a person to react so EXTREME to things was an illness. I thought I was right for him, I thought I was capable of loving him how he needed to be loved, only to be told whenever he was having a bad manic episode completely different.

He is walking away from us blaming me for everything and feeling rejected, unloved, and unsupported. And that pisses me off more then I could ever explain because I have spent 8 years giving him everything I possibly could!

My nerves, heart, and head have been worn thin and I have came to a point in my life I realized I have to take care of myself also and came to a point I have realized that I have not done that in so long that if I do not start doing it I will not be ok. And I need to be ok period! I am a mother of 3 beautiful children who need me to be around for a lot longer.

I just always had this picture in my head that it would be him and I always! Old together (probably cratchity!lol) rocking in our chairs at some cabin on a lake.

I am having a hard time accepting that whereever he is right now he is not feeling the same way, or is he??

Damn I love him! Damn I wish he would see that! I wish he would stop taking away from it all and just let it be and focus on "us" and his "family" and let all the outside distractions go for awhile! I am so angry right now, so lost, so hurt!

I will be ok tho because I do not have a choice in the matter. I will put one foot in front of the other and pray that if it trully were meant to be he will do what needs to be done and come home sometime, someday.

May be wishful thinking, but I swear to god I have not put this much of myself into us to let it go if there is even the remote possibility that he is feeling the same way.

Or should I?? I have lots of soul searching to do. And with him gone I will be able to do that.


stansgirl2004 said...

Both my parents are Bipolar so I kinda know what
living with the illness is like. I think this seperation
is a good thing he probably needs some time that's all
I hope it all works out, hugs, Marina

ashleekr said...

I didn't realize you were going through this not very long ago.  I am trying to catch up on all of your entries from the very beginning, but I take it that you two patched things up - I feel very much the same way about Brent as you seem to about your hubby.  He is my best friend, my sweetheart, my everything.  This separation is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but I think it is necessary.  
Hugs to you my friend, Ash

carolsixpac said...

I am so very sorry honey--gonna be reading more.