Monday, November 28, 2005

This was Our song

"Spend My Life With You"
(feat. Tamia)


I never knew such a day could come
And I never knew such a love
Could be inside of one

And I never knew what my life was for
But now that you're here I know for sure

I never knew till I looked in your eyes
I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure
One love so real

Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you

Now baby the days and the weeks
And the years will roll by
But nothing will change the love inside
Of you and I

And baby I'll never find any words
That could explain
Just how much my heart my life
My soul you've changed

Can you run to these open arms
When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
I'm your woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

No touch has ever felt so wonderful
(You are incredible)
And a deeper love I've never known
(I'll never let you go)
I swear this love is true
(Now and forever to youto you)
Can I just see you every morning when

I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you
Can you run to these open arms

When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
You're my woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just spend my life with you
(Forever here with you)
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just see you every morning when I
Open my eyes


Picking up the pieces

Well after 8 years it is over :( He packed his stuff and left tonight. We have built a "home" together, made a family together, laughed together, fought together, cried together, spent many sleepless nights over our son together, and now we are walking away from all we have built.

My question in my head right now is...."Where do I go from here?" I knew it was coming to a point where something had to happen I just didn't think the FINAL stage was going to happen tonight.

We fight over the stupidest things, and also some pretty major things! Either way even tho I had a feeling the end may be near it does NOT make it any easier to accept right now this time, nor does it make my heart feel any better!

He drove me crazy but damn am I going to miss him!

I have lived and breathed him as my soul mate and lifelong partner for almost a decade! Every inch of our home is what we made together! So many memories, so many letters, so many cards, so many presents, so many photos.

He packed up and left vowing never to return and I sit here with "our" 3 children heartbroken and have to some how swallow my sadness to make sure that they will all be ok!?

He was my one and only "true" love, and I swear that reguardless of all the hurtful things that have happened in all these years I fully intended on loving him until lifes end!

I have never ever spoke of this in my journal but find no reason not to anymore.

He has Bi-Polar and has not been on meds one time in all of our years together. He has of course promised me many times (after terrible fights) that he would go on them. But that time never came. I knew NOTHING about this illness until a few years into our relationship when I realized I needed to learn in order to be ok and understand some of his actions.

Me being a calm, quiet person had a very very hard time understanding that something could cause a person to react so EXTREME to things was an illness. I thought I was right for him, I thought I was capable of loving him how he needed to be loved, only to be told whenever he was having a bad manic episode completely different.

He is walking away from us blaming me for everything and feeling rejected, unloved, and unsupported. And that pisses me off more then I could ever explain because I have spent 8 years giving him everything I possibly could!

My nerves, heart, and head have been worn thin and I have came to a point in my life I realized I have to take care of myself also and came to a point I have realized that I have not done that in so long that if I do not start doing it I will not be ok. And I need to be ok period! I am a mother of 3 beautiful children who need me to be around for a lot longer.

I just always had this picture in my head that it would be him and I always! Old together (probably cratchity!lol) rocking in our chairs at some cabin on a lake.

I am having a hard time accepting that whereever he is right now he is not feeling the same way, or is he??

Damn I love him! Damn I wish he would see that! I wish he would stop taking away from it all and just let it be and focus on "us" and his "family" and let all the outside distractions go for awhile! I am so angry right now, so lost, so hurt!

I will be ok tho because I do not have a choice in the matter. I will put one foot in front of the other and pray that if it trully were meant to be he will do what needs to be done and come home sometime, someday.

May be wishful thinking, but I swear to god I have not put this much of myself into us to let it go if there is even the remote possibility that he is feeling the same way.

Or should I?? I have lots of soul searching to do. And with him gone I will be able to do that.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Confusion

I asked both of my kids over the last couple days to clean their rooms. My 9 year old and my 16 year old and here is what I got......

My 16 year olds room clean!

Now my 9 year olds lol...... whats wrong with this picture??

and one more... sorry about the flash in the mirror lol

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Another photo entry

I am so proud yesterday I finally did something I have been wanting to do for a couple years. I have a storage room in my basement that I really wanted to use as my space to wrap presents, do crafts, ect and just never seemed to find the time to get it organized! It sort became the throw all room where you could not even walk in it, let alone find anything! My whole basement is kinda one of those spaces. I had BIG plans for it 3 years ago and have done a few things, like new carpet but other then that its my DUH space lol

 

 

 

I can finally walk in there! I also tackled my upstairs hallway and landing in between main level and upstairs over the last week. I think it looks way better now. I redid the whole hallway and above the landing in Antique White then used a pretty wine color in landing. What do you think?

Here is before....

and here is after.... I also painted a piece of trim to seperate the two colors which I think turned out pretty nice looking if I do say so myself!

 

 

My IOU's

I was reading Marina's entry about great gift ideas and she had the idea of IOU's done however you would like. With some great ideas how to make them look nice. I have been doing this for a long time with my hunny. I think I told her it was for our Anniversary and I was wrong. It was for his Birthday this year.

He had been up North for almost two weeks working and we met in Duluth the day before his birthday and stayed in Canal Park (for those who do not know this is right on Lake Superior, and there is a draw bridge for all the ships that come and go there) We walked down there quite a few times once even at 2AM to watch 2 enormous ships come thru.

There is a ton of shops and resaurants, and an aquarium, and Imax, and horse carriage rides you can take depending on how much you want to spend. The 2nd one we went on we got this horse named Max and he was beautiful and we loved him! We took an hour ride along Superior that night.

Well then the next night we had a few drinks at dinner and were walking back to our hotel when we saw him sitting there again so we went on an 1 and a half ride that time. It was so relaxing!

We stayed for 3 days and had a great time. But then we had to come home back to reality lol..........

I also bought this really cute hoodie with a zipper and I LOVE it, I now wish I would have bought more different colors. I told hubby we will have to go back for a weekend so I can go to this little shop again ;)

Well I decided to make him a "Love" book that really ended up costing me a lot more then I thought it would. And took about 10 hours total to complete but it was so worth it! He loved it! It is one of those priceless presents only your heart could make. There was lots of sweet nothings, quotes, letters, funny things, ect.

Well two of the pages just happened to be IOU's so I thought I would show Marina.  I used my imagination on mine so they are not as clean as hers suggest lol. I hope they are appropiate to put on my journal lol So here they are ;)

There is velcro on the pages and on the back of each IOU ;)

There were a total of 40 some pages in all. At the end of it I added happy birthdays from all our kids ;)

More funny pages.....

 

Hopefully I did not offend anyone! :) I do not think that many people read my journal yet lol. Either way tho this is who I am and love to share photos of my life on this journal.

just in time laptop froze.... part two

Do you ever have days you feel just like that picture? I do! Almost everyday! I forget to take care of myself alot of the time. 4 nights ago I was taken by ambulance to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning. I felt like I was having a heart attack. My blood presssure was sky high and my potassium and sodium levels were very low. I was there for about 14 hours and was used as a pin cushion the whole time!

In my eyes that was my body warning me to start taking care of myself a little better. Slow down a little bit. I am the queen of multi-tasking and doing a whole lot of things in a short period of time that would leave others saying "How does she do that in 4 hours? It would take me 2 days".

I have a funny one tho to share. I have about 40 pounds extra on me that I really wish would go away so with that in mind here is how this conversation with the admitting ER Doc went.....

Him....."Your name"

Me......."Robyn"

and we go thru the normal list of questions birthday, ect,

Him...."Do you smoke?"

Me....."Yes"

Him......"Do you use crack or cocaine?"

Me.....I crack up and start laughing out loud and say to him

"Do I look like I use crack? Got a little extra padding on me to be a crackhead!" lol

Him after my response..... no smirk, or anything no kind of sense of humor lmao

 

If you liked that one heres another good one.

I got into a car accident two Fridays ago on the 11th. A dipstick ran straight threw a red light going 50 and hit me. I was very shaken up and didn't think I was hurt, but an hour later after my truck got towed and I got home and showered I realized I really didn't feel so good at all. My sister in Law came down to my house and brought (made me) me to Urgent Care. I was lucky it could have turned out way worse! And my kids were not with me thank goodness. I went tanning to have some "me" time for 30 minutes. Then stopped at Kohls on the way home for nothing special just felt like buying something. Well I was totally relaxed and 30 minutes later my trucks being towed. GRRRR hate it when that happens!

So by the time we got to Urgent Care I was pretty sore, and my ribs really hurt. Nothing was broken I was just banged up and had some bruised ribs. So here is the goodie I was talking about ;)

....... He is doing the reflex tests, ect..... and I was pretty tired and out of it. It was after midnight by this time. The accident happened at 8:30.

Doc....."Follow my finger" So I was told after the fact

Me...."You want me to pull your finger??"

I realized immediately what I had said and my SIL looked up and we both started cracking up.

Then the poor doc turns bright red and starts laughing his ass off too!  It took us all a bit to regain composure lol

So as I was leaving he looks around the corner and says....

"thanks for the laugh Robyn, I will not forget that one for awhile!"

 

Now that I am started here is just a few cute things my daughter has said to me over the years that stick out in my head.

"Mommy where were you when your bladder broke all over that chair with me?"   Referring to me going into labor lol

"Do you want anymore babies mommy?" "Or do you have your tubes twisted so you can't?" lol

 

Thats enough of the stories lol.

On top of the accident and heart attack scare my hubby and I are really struggling right now. Once I am more comfortable with this journal and meet some people I may talk about it a little more. But my life has so much history to go with every incident that I cannot comment on one thing without explaining so it makes it hard. I just will say that we have been together 8 years and life has taken it's toll on us as a couple. I love this man with every inch of my heart. But when you start hurting each other more then you do love each other and support each other.   It may be time to let go.

Well I am off to sleep now I am so tired! Gnite

Long overdue entry.....

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone! And an even more belated Happy Halloween lol! I am so terrible! Halloween was a blast my kids and my brother and his family went out in my neighborhood. My sister in law handed out candy for me. She was all dressed up and looked great!

I will put some random pics on here from the last month.

Here is a picture of my sister in laws new kitty "Chance" he is a cutie I'll tell ya!!

 

Here is one of my kids and brothers kids, and my sister in law all dressed up.The pic turned out kinda crappy but you can still make out bodies lol ;)

 

 

The next few are of my house that night......

 

 

 

 

 I am going to add this entry for now before my laptop freezes on me lol I will add more in a few minutes!

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